What to Say / Do (For Friends + Supporters)
For those who love someone who’s grieving but don’t know how to show it.
You don’t have to say the perfect thing.
You just have to stay.
This space is for the supporters; the friends who care but feel awkward, the colleagues who don’t know if they should say something, the family members trying not to make it worse. If you’re here, thank you. That already puts you ahead of most.
This guide won’t give you magic words. But it will help you avoid the ones that hurt, offer better ones to try, and remind you that small, steady gestures matter more than grand ones.
❌ What Not to Say
Even with the best intentions, some phrases feel like paper cuts to a grieving person. Why? Because they minimise, fix, spiritualise, or erase the reality of loss. Here are some common culprits to avoid:
“At least they’re in a better place.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
“You’re so strong.”
“God never gives you more than you can handle.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“It was their time.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Anything that starts with “At least…”
Any unsolicited advice about “moving on,” “closure,” or “being positive.”
Why it matters: These phrases often come from discomfort, not compassion. They shift the focus away from the griever's reality and onto our need to feel useful, neat, or hopeful. Grief isn’t tidy, and it shouldn’t be rushed.
What to Say Instead
You don’t need to fix anything. You just need to acknowledge what’s real.
Here are some scripts and prompts that comfort without crowding:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“This is awful. I’m so sorry. I’m holding you close in my thoughts.”
“You don’t have to respond, I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.”
“I’ll never fully understand your pain, but I’m here to witness it with you.”
“Can I say their name? I’d love to hear something about them, if that’s okay.”
“I know today might be hard. I’m here if you need a soft place to land.”
“I’m bringing food/texting/loving you, no need to reply.”
Tip: Let it be about them, not your own past grief. And if you mess up, say so:
“I realise what I said might have missed the mark. I’m really sorry, I care about you and want to show up better.”
Want a printable version of this list to share at work, school, or with family?
[Download the “What to Say / Not Say” Guide]
How to Show Up
Showing up doesn’t have to be loud or confident. It just has to be consistent.
Try this:
Send a no-pressure text: “Thinking of you. No reply needed.”
Drop off food or snacks with no expectation to chat
Add grief anniversaries to your calendar so you can check in next year too
Offer practical things: rides, laundry help, errand runs, pet-sitting
Say their loved one’s name; it’s not a trigger, it’s a comfort
Write a card, even months later. Late kindness is still kindness.
Create a small ritual with them; lighting a candle, planting a flower, walking together in silence
Most of all: Keep showing up long after the funeral. That’s when it gets quiet, and lonely.
Surivial Kits
Sometimes presence comes in the form of a parcel.
You can:
Order one of our curated kits — designed by someone who knows what grief feels like.
[Browse Comfort Kits →]